Baby steps

There are a lot of things that feel new to me. In some ways, I am like a newborn baby who has to learn to walk, talk, think, even understand herself as a new self.
I’m on vacation in a European city where there are lots of hills and lots of terrain to cover on foot to get most anything done.
I’ve visited this city many times before, but never as light as I am. One night I found myself walking down a steep hill and contemplating the fact that the way that I walk now is entirely different from the way it has been for almost 2 decades. My legs don’t touch at the thighs. My shadow looks different as my thighs and knees bend and move.
My legs have always been a source of anxiety, shame, fear, and a sense of being alien in a human body that is not like everyone else’s.
As I was walking down that hill, I saw my shadow reveal the truth of my body to me as it is now. My legs don’t have to shoot out at the sides in order to actually move on the walk. I found myself watching my shadow, attempting to move my thighs in a more front to back manner.oh no longer touch when I’m wearing jeans. Everything is new. Everything.
What prompted me to write this entry was that I am currently lying on my bed prone. My lower back is not being pushed as if in a vice because of the size of my stomach. It’s actually quite comfortable. All of this comes after a very interesting day this week.
It was when I sat down on the plane to fly here, and realized how different everything felt to my body as it settled into the seat.
I was a bit sad for an hour or two as the fight began, and only after a little while of thinking realized that it was grief. My entire self seems to have changed. My body is different my way thinking about what I put in my body is different. My expectations of myself are different. The way I look at the world and how it looks back at me is different. The things that I can do now are different.The very life I am living now is different. Today I got a tattoo to commemorate all of this Different.
I suppose it’s what you would call a head fuck. And that’s okay with me. Took a long time for me to get this way. And I will catch up to this new me. Baby steps.


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